To paraphrase The Simpsons, “SEX! Now that I’ve got your attention…”
I never cease to be fascinated by rude and naughty things. When I was younger, like many other pre-adolescents, I would search for the rudest bits of books and songs and disregard the rest. Unlike my contemporaries, I never grew out of this puerile state of mind. So without further ado, here is a selection of some of the bawdy songs that have touched my life. Needless to say, most of the links are NSFW.
Chef – No Substitute
South Park’s character Chef, a staffer in the South Park Elementary kitchen and voiced by Stax soul man Isaac Hayes, would distribute age-inappropriate ‘advice’ to the children of the school (along with institution-grade food) in the form of song.
Chef hit the big time, scoring No. 1 in the UK charts back in 1998 with his suggestive anthem ‘Chocolate Salty Balls’, but I have a soft spot for a different track of his, one that leaves a lot less to the imagination. ‘No Substitute’ is from the episode ‘Tom’s Rhinoplasty’; where Chef attempts to woo a substitute teacher in his own inimitable way.
WARNING: Contains graphic depictions of hummingbird sex, as well as the immortal lines “There’s only one word that can describe you/you’re a flippityfloppityhotchymamawoowoo!”
Kraftwerk – Tour De France
Don’t believe the science that claims cyclists have low libido! Here’s German electro-pioneers Kraftwerk’s paean to the eponymous annual spectacle of pelotons-full of men in tight tops slipping sleekly through the French countryside, demonstrating that cyclists are très bien at le panting homo-érotique.
Marvin Gaye – Let’s Get It On
In which Marvin Gaye manages to deliver the entendre-tastic line “Stop beating around the bush” without sounding like Kenneth Williams. But seriously. This is a masterclass in how to Sing with Intent.
Girl, he’s imploring you to ‘get it on’ with him- that purest (and muckiest) expression of love that you can do with your earthly vessel, in the short time the blood still courses through your veins, and you’re not dead, or worse; writing angry letters about the decline of society to your local paper. HOO BOY! *fans self*
To demonstrate this song I want to link to something really special. Here’s Brad Prowly AKA ‘Super Bad Brad’, Greenwich Village busker and all-round-NYC-institution singing ‘Let’s Get It On’ on Showtime at the Apollo, winning over the toughest crowd in Christendom. Many singers adopt soul singing style affectations, but Brad has bags of soul; certainly more natural soul than anyone I’ve ever seen. Do you remember what having ‘The X Factor’ used to mean? Here’s Brad’s cracked, and yet somehow sublime rendition of ‘Let’s Get It On’.
Machine Gun Fellatio – Dirty F*cking Wh*re
Don’t be fooled; This pre-war prim-sounding ditty starts off innocuously enough, then segues into lyrics so salty they could strip paint.
Nearly ten years ago now, when I was 18, a couple of my similarly-aged friends were granted a much lusted-after DJ slot at the local metal pub they’d been drinking at for…ahem…years. The evening started well enough – Slayer was spun, and there was some somewhat muted headbangage. Picture a slow, sad headbang, if you will. 9pm came, and it was time for my friends to push their newly acquired DJs’ prerogative to the absolute limit.
The aforementioned song rang out… to ever increasing horror on the punters’ bearded faces. The night’s manager made a beeline towards my hapless friends in the booth. They’d been stitched up…it transpired that they were playing at the wake of a pub regular. The universal adoption of black attire in a venue generally indicates that post-funeral beverages are taking place…but how were the anti-heroes of my story to know? It was a metal pub, after all.
Serge Gainsbourg and Jane Birkin – Je T’aime…Moi Non Plus
If you don’t know any French, the breathy deliverance and orgasmic moans gliding frictionlessly over a light musak melody is the aural equivalent of the perfect mingling of love and sex between a couple in the passionate early stages of a relationship…in a lift, at least. However, if you understand French, the lyrics depict a union that is at best, casual, and at worst….
And what does this mean: “Je vais et je viens, entre tes reins” (“I go and I come, between your kidneys”) Is it rough and impressionistic? Or is it an allusion to a bedroom act that is illegal in many parts of the world?
Sébastien Tellier – Pomme
Sébastien Tellier, spiritual successor to Gainsbourg, appears to be upping the stakes set by ‘Je T’aime’, in this track, co-produced by Daft Punk’s Guy-Manuel de Homem-Christo.
I first heard this slow, shimmering electro-jam in one of Brighton’s HMVs around the time of its release. As the song progressed, the heavy breathing got heavier, and louder. The store quickly emptied: Parents found themselves covering their kids’ ears and herding them out of the shop. The brave souls who stuck it out for the duration had the sneaking suspicion that they had just been impregnated by Tellier, via the ear canal.
April Stevens – Teach Me Tiger
This 1959 rock ‘n’ roll ballad classic features sharp intakes of breath through the teeth, and breathy vocalisations that effortlessly blows today’s try-hard sex shock divas out of the water. Azealia Banks- Here’s a lesson from the past in how to be subversive without ever dropping the C-bomb.
A friend, who will remain anonymous, said that listening to ‘Teach Me Tiger’ made him feel like this.
And that’s it! I hope you enjoyed my mucky tour. Please deploy these songs wisely…I take no responsibility for anything that may happen while listening to them. Now does anyone know any songs about post-coital cigarettes….?
(Special mentions go to The Beatles – Please Please Me, Little Richard – Tutti Frutti, Ludacris – What’s Your Fantasy, Snoop Dogg – Sensual Seduction/Sexual Eruption (feat. Robyn), Detroit Grand Pubahs – Sandwiches, Prince – Darling Nikki, Peaches – F*ck The Pain Away, Nine Inch Nails – Closer, Starland Vocal Band – Afternoon Delight, Divinyls – I Touch Myself, Bessie Smith – I Need A Little Sugar In My Bowl, Led Zeppelin – The Lemon Song, and pretty much anything by Frank Zappa.)